How Can I Help You?
by UnicornGiggles
Summary: DONE Well I'm pretty sure I'm not the first to write a Red Dwarf Brittas Empire crossover. Anyway this is odd in that there's no slash, Rimmer gets the girl and I don't think there's a single swear word. I must be ill or something.
1. Escaflowne Ripoff

Escaflowne Rip-off

"Sirs, take a look at this!"  
Lister looked up from his curry and a piece of Tikka chicken fell from his mouth as he shouted, "What is it Kryten, man?" Rimmer climbed out of his bunk and they both ran down to where they had heard Kryten shouting from - the drive room - and the Cat joined them a few seconds after. "A strange machine has appeared in the ship."   
"So what is it?" asked the Cat.  
"Oh no, don't start that again!"  
"Only joking!" he grinned. Kryten showed them a picture on Holly's screen. It was a large round ball attached to the roof of the ship with electrical metal claws around it. The ball was translucent and yellowish-blue. Holly's head appeared in the ball. "From what I can gather," he began, "it's a fate alteration device. Which basically means it's a device, right, that alters fate."  
"No kidding?(!)" Lister said. Holly nodded. "Must've altered its own fate and ended up here. Basically we could change our lives with it." That caught Lister's attention. "Y'mean we could change our lives so me an' Kochanski stayed together and we didn't all die and stuff?" Lister pondered this for a second. He suggested that they test the machine. "On what?" Rimmer snorted. Lister grinned. The Cat grinned. Holly grinned. Kryten went into grin mode. "No... no!" yelped Rimmer.  
"C'mon man! If anything happens we can bring you back with another disc."  
"NO. N-O, Listy, NO." But Lister was already pressing random buttons on Holly's keypad. "See if you can link it directly to your database, Hol. Then we can use it."  
"Righto, Dave." Rimmer followed Lister around the room as he tapped the different keys to see if the machine would work. "Lister... Listy? DAVID!!! Are you listening? I said no. Did you hear me?"  
"We heard you, goalpost-head. We're just ignoring you," the Cat grinned, toothily. Kryten soon had the machine figured out and, under extreme protest, Rimmer's database was linked with the fate alteration device. "You'll kill me! Again! This time I might not be able to get a hardlight drive." Lister held him by the shoulders. "Look Rimmer, it's a fate alteration device. We'll give you a nice fate. You can live in the country or city. Have a family or be a bachelor. Don't you want something good to happen to you for once?"  
"Mr Lister is right, sir. This machine works rather like Better Than Life. If you wish good things to happen they will."  
"Need I remind you what _happened_ when he was in Better Than Life? He screwed it up for us all!" the Cat hissed. Lister assured him that it would be _their_ wishes that governed the machine, not Rimmer's. "So... whatever I want to happen to goalpost-head will happen?"  
Rimmer's nostrils flared and he muttered, "I don't like the way you said that." Before the Cat could answer him, the machine whirred into life and a glow filled the room. Slowly, the light dimmed and Lister could just make out a man's shape where Rimmer had once been. "Rimmer?" Lister gasped and edged a little closer. The man turned around. "Rimmer! It IS you!"  
"I'm afraid I'm not quite following," said the man nasally. "But if you'd like to return me to my leisure centre and fill out the kidnapping forms I'd be ever so grateful." Lister and the Cat exchanged puzzled glances. "Sirs, I believe that Mr Rimmer has been bio-translocated," Kryten said whilst walking around the man. "And so has the fate alteration device. All that's left is a channel hole a few miles from the ship. The fate alteration brought it here. If my memory chip is correct, this means that this is a man from Earth from the past that has somehow been swapped with Mr Rimmer _via_ the channel hole. Their fates have indeed been altered."  
"So kind of like that Quantum Leap show?"  
"But without Scott Bakula's sharp hairdo!" the Cat added. Kryten nodded as he tapped a few keys on Holly's keyboard. "Well it says here that this gentleman is from the south-west of England, a place called Whitebury. He's called Gordon Brittas." Mr Brittas leant over his shoulder. "I think you'll find that we're in the south-east of England and it's Whitbury if you please, not Whitebury." Kryten apologised. "So," Lister pondered, "if he's here then Rimmer is..."


	2. How Rimmer saved the Whitbury Leisure Ce...

How Rimmer saved the Whitbury Leisure Centre

"Do _what_, sorry?" Rimmer babbled down the telephone. "You're who? Colin? Something about a fire? In the swimming pool??? How can that hap... Ok, erm..." He grappled for a pen to write down the many problems this man called Colin seemed to think he needed to deal with. He glanced at the gold Toblerone-shaped name display. "Gordon Brittas? Manager?" he murmured to himself. A woman with short blonde hair skipped in. "Hello Mr Brittas - nice H! - Laura was wondering if you could spare a few moments to deal with the elderly gentleman trying to kill the antenatal class with a machete." Rimmer blinked a few times. "Mr Brittas? That's me?"  
"Well... yes, Mr Brittas. I think so, Mr Brittas. Is this a test, Mr Brittas?" Rimmer put the phone down and walked around the desk. "So... I run this place?  
"Yes, Mr Brittas."  
"I'm the manager?"  
"...Yes, Mr Brittas."  
"Splendid!" he cheered. "Now's my chance to prove I can do something right!" He looked at the woman's nametag. "Linda, just the person I wanted to see. Erm... go see Colin down by the swimming pool and sort out the fire and I guess I'll be headed to wherever the antenatal class is." Linda nodded and ran out of the room. Rimmer grinned. Running a leisure centre couldn't be difficult surely. "Erm, Mr Brittas," Linda said as she bounded back into the room. "You don't sound like yourself, are you alright?"  
"Yes, yes, fine. But, where is the antenatal class?"  
"Down in the yoga room. You said the gymnasium was too large and would make the enwombed babies feel agoraphobic" Rimmer saw a map of the centre on the wall. The yoga room wasn't far. "Splendid" he grinned.

"NO ONE TELLS ME HOW TO EAT MY SOUP!!!" the elderly man yelled wandering around the yoga room and swinging the fire axe at the pregnant women. They screamed and tried their best to run with their swollen stomachs in the small space. Laura was practically pulling out her hair when Rimmer arrived. Mr Brittas was the last person she wanted to handle the situation, but she rather hoped the man would go after _him_ with the axe instead of the women. "What's wrong?" he asked.   
"Ah, Mr Brittas. This gentleman says you caught him drinking soup from the bowl in the cafeteria and demanded that he use a spoon or a cup. You see he has arthritis and-"  
Rimmer peered into the room through the glass window, "His hands seem perfectly capable of gripping an axe!" Laura nodded and opened the door. "Just... TRY not to aggravate him more."  
"You expect me to go in THERE?" Rimmer exclaimed and backed up against the wall. Laura raised an eyebrow. Mr Brittas would never normally run from a battle. "Are you alright, Mr Brittas? Not like you to say no to a challenge." Rimmer gulped. He had to fool these people into believing he was Gordon Brittas until the others came to rescue him. "I'm fine. Well, um... here I go!" he said as he gingerly stepped into the room.   
"YOU!!!" the man shouted and raised the axe above his head. Rimmer shot to the other side of the room behind one of the women. "You're supposed to be protecting US!" she hissed.   
"Right, sorry, erm..." Rimmer moved to behind the relaxation mats propped up against the wall. "Sir, whatever I said to upset you, I apologise and erm... can't we all just get along? I'll buy you a sausage roll."  
"Really?" the man said, lowering the axe. Rimmer held his hand out for the axe and it was handed over to him. "There now, no blood shed and you get a free lunch! Everyone's happy." The man seemed contented with that and went off to the cafeteria with Linda, who had just arrived on the scene. "Bravo Mr Brittas! she called back to him as she left.  
"Yes, very good." Laura said as Rimmer left the antenatal class to their work. "Alright," she growled and thrust him up against the wall. "Who are you?"  
"Me? Er, Gordon Brittas, of course," he squeaked as she pressed harder on his rib cage. She poked him in the chest with one of her sharp-nailed fingers. "I don't believe that for a second. No one will! If there are no more fires or floods or other disasters for the rest of the day people will get suspicious."  
"I'm really that bad?"  
"You're not, no. But _he_ is. You, whomever you are, have a knack for weaselling out of difficult situations by avoiding any manner of conflict whatsoever." She released him. "You're just what we need. Mr...?"  
"Rimmer... Arnold Rimmer. I admit it, I'm not Gordon Brittas." She smiled. "Good, then you can probably sort out the fire too. Oh and the herd of sheep stuck in the tennis courts."   
"Sheep?" he groaned. Laura smiled more broadly and led him to the courts. "Welcome to Whitbury Leisure Centre, Arnold!"


	3. How Brittas nearly destroyed Red Dwarf

How Brittas nearly destroyed Red Dwarf

Kryten bit his silicon lip as Gordon showed him how to navigate Starbug into the bay _properly_. Lister was there to greet them as they came out of the ship. "How'd it go, man?"  
"Eeexccellant," Brittas beamed with a waggle of his head. Kryten took Lister aside. "What's wrong, Kryt?"  
"He's a smeee, a smeeeee, a smeeeeeeeeee, a BIG FAT SMEGHEAD... if you'll excuse the phrasing, Mr Lister."  
"He can't be worse than _Rimmer_." Lister chuckled. Kryten shook his head and wailed into his hands. Lister felt a tapping on his shoulders and saw the Cat, looking very angry. "If that guy tells me to alter the length of my pants again, I swear I'll kill him so much he'll be dead!" Lister was about to reply when Brittas poked his head around the corner. "Excuse me, don't mean to interrupt but whose may I ask is the labelled Tandoori curry?" Lister's eyebrow twitched. "Mine."  
"Sorry to be a Bossy Bessie but perhaps it would be useful if you didn't keep your trainers next to it. Oh and Tandoori is spelt T-A-N-D-O-O-R-I not T-A-N-D-U-R-Y Ok?" he grinned with another waggle of the head. "Oh and I'll be hosting a seminar later called 'How to get the Most out of the Crushing Loneliness of Space' and I hope you'll all be attending." And with that he scurried down the hallway to get Holly to print off some rotas for hugging. "Kryten, Cat... get me the bazookoids..."  
"Now sir, even if he is a smeeee, a smeeee... slightly irritating, we can't KILL him."  
"Why not?"  
"We have to return him to where he came from. Without Mr Brittas we cannot bring Mr Rimmer back."  
"Can't we just kill two birds with one stone?" the Cat said, before succumbing to the delightful daydreams of birds and bird dishes. Lister rammed a fresh cartridge into a bazookoid. "Honestly Kryt, it wont hurt him. Not if I get him right in the head on the first try."  
"Sir if I may interrupt this lovely demonstration of human fellowship by telling you why we were out in Starbug in the first place."  
"You said it was to check our thrust engines."  
Kryten looked down guiltily, "A small lie on my part, sir. Holly said that the channel hole is rapidly moving away from us. He advised me to try throwing Mr Brittas into it. Unfortunately he began decorating the cockpit with a new coat of paint and a pair of pink furry dice to give the place a homely feel and promote an efficient work environment and insisted I help. I only got 1 mile from the ship before I was knee deep in Dulux chartreuse gloss paint"  
"The man's crazy!" Lister groaned.   
"Tell me about it," the Cat said. "Chartreuse with pink furry dice? Is he blind?!" Mr Brittas wandered in with the rotas. "Ok then, the Cat will be hugging Kryten for 2.3 minutes at 11:30 sharp before moving on to David for 2.1 minutes. The reason you get less is because you did not do your chores like I advised." He shook his head sadly. "It's a terrible world we live in when a grown man can't pick up his toenails and put them into the bin for recycling."  
"Recycled toenails?"  
"Yes! It makes a fantastic glue for holding ship parts together. Cheaper than screws and just as effective. Tried it out on the drive plate," he beamed. Kryten looked at Lister, puzzled. "Sir... who told you that toenails made great glue?"  
"That amusing balding fellow on the TV. Bit of a boring show but he has some fantastic anecdotes. Strange name though - Holly. That's a girl's name, isn't it?"  
"HOLLY!!!" they yelled and thundered down the corridor to the where the drive plate was struggling to work beneath the hot liquefied nails that had been poured over it. "S'up dudes?" Holly's head appeared on the screen. "Oh dear. I didn't think he'd take me seriously," his voice trailed as he saw the smoke pouring out of the plate. Mr Brittas walked in on the android, the cat and the human wafting away smoke and squirting fire extinguisher foam on flames and cursing senile computers and asked innocently, "Something wrong?"  
"No man, we ALWAYS gather together to fight off death on Tuesdays." Lister continued liberally covering the drive plate with the foam. Mr Brittas sighed, "I think someone needs his therapy session moved up an hour."  
"I think someone should be careful before what's left of the drive plate is shoved right up his-"  
"Mr Lister, please!!!" Kryten begged as he held Lister, kicking and screaming, away from Mr Brittas. Mr Brittas looked genuinely shocked by the reaction. "I was only trying to help." Lister stopped writhing in Kryten's arms, and felt a little bit - not very much mind you - sorry for the guy. He was only trying to help after all. Lister could appreciate this. "It's all right," he mumbled.   
"Good. Nice to see we're all friends again," he beamed. The Cat suddenly bounded over to the window. "The channel hole! It's disappearing! We've gotta get rid of him. Now!"  
"Rid of who?"  
"Er, no one, man," Lister lied. And stared dismally out at the now vanished channel hole.


	4. Typical

Typical

Rimmer relaxed with a hot cup of tea in his new office. Yes, this was a great fate indeed. Pretty women in short skirts wandering around at his beck and call. And from the photo on his desk, he gathered his wife was a nice, friendly woman too. The only bad incident he could recall today was when he had made the mistake of falling over the Lost and Found box, and letting Colin help him up. No matter how many times he washed his hands, they still felt sticky and smelt of elderberries, henna and cat vomit. Still, he was in such a good mood, he even let the receptionist Carol take her children to the squash courts to get some exercise as a change from sleeping and playing in cupboards. Tomorrow, he might even let them stay in his office while he played tennis with a few customers in even shorter skirts than the staff. He wandered down to check on reception. Colin had kindly offered to take over from Carol. "Afternoon Colin," he said and jumped the last two stairs to the floor.  
"My you're chipper today, Mr Brittas."  
"Ah ah ah, Colin. What did you forget?"  
"Of course! Good afternoon and welcome to Whitbury Leisure Centre, how may I help you?" said Colin and smiled widely. Rimmer smiled to himself. Acting like Mr Brittas, after learning a few key phrases told to him by Laura, was a piece of cake. Somehow it just came naturally to him. Laura walked into reception just then. "Ah Laura, how are those sheep doing?"  
"Wonderfully, Mr Brittas. Great idea of yours to borrow the swimming pool net and use it to lasso them." Rimmer smiled even more. He couldn't believe all the good ideas he'd had since arriving. This _was_ destiny. "The reason I'm here," Laura's voice cut through his happy thoughts, "is because an odd machine has turned up in the loft." Rimmer gulped. "Shaped like a ball? With metal things around it?"  
"Yes. That's it exactly. I've asked Tim and Gavin to check it out."  
"NO!" Rimmer yelled. Laura jumped and Colin looked on bemused. "I mean..." Rimmer searched for a reason. His good ideas were running out. "It's... a dome for... the gymnasium because... sunlight is... good for... people? And I don't want Gavin or Tim to accidentally scratch it." Laura raised an eyebrow. "Marvellous idea Mr Brittas," Colin cheered. "It's just what the centre needs."   
"Mr Brittas, can I speak with you a moment?"  
"Er... no?"  
"Oh but I INSIST."  
"Alright..." Rimmer followed Laura into the staff changing rooms. She slammed the door shut. "What is it and why is it here?" she demanded. He scratched at his chin and looked around carefully. "Can I trust you?"  
"I think the question is can WE trust YOU."  
Rimmer bit into his hand out of habit before deciding to spill the beans, "I'm from the future, 3 million years in the future in fact. I'm actually dead. This is just a holographic form of me. My bunkmate, Lister is the last human being alive and we travel through space with a humanoid cat and an android in a spaceship run by computer with less brains than a foot. I was brought here by that machine in the loft and I'm guessing that Mr Brittas is in my place at this very moment." He paused. Laura's eyebrow was still raised. "And what, pray tell, makes you think I'd believe all that?"  
"Well, you let me stay. Instead of calling the police and telling them I'd done a Nicholas Cage on your boss. You must trust me a _little_ to do that." Laura's eyebrow settled and she breathed out a sigh of relief. "I hoped you were staying, in a way."  
"What makes you think I'm leaving?"  
"Well you'll want to go back to your friends surely?" Rimmer was about to answer when Colin burst through the door. "It's Tim, Mr Brittas! He's trapped in the machine!"  
"Oh smeg!!!" Rimmer gasped and ran out to find the loft. Laura and Colin followed in hot pursuit. The ball was glowing brightly when they arrived. "Mr Brittas," Gavin sobbed. "He was standing here one minute and the next he was sucked in." Rimmer groaned. He was going to have to rescue Tim and return to his old life. Typical. The Cat _had_ ruined this for him after all. "Arnold!" Laura called as he stepped towards the fate alteration device. She pulled him towards her and kissed him. "What was _that_ for?" he said weakly, trying to recover.   
"No reason," Laura said, with a wink. And with that, the world of Whitbury disappeared.


	5. Missing Rimmer

**Missing Rimmer**

Rimmer found himself in empty white space. He wasn't sure if he was floating or standing on something but there in front of him, he saw himself. His other self grinned and waggled his head at him. "You must be Arnold," he said. "So nice to finally meet you, though I have to say I was expecting someone slimmer." Rimmer 's nostrils flared. He kept in damn good shape. Now he understood why everyone found Mr Brittas so irritating. "Don't worry though, your friends thought you were the best thing since sliced bread. Rimmer this, Rimmer that, boy we wish Rimmer was here instead of you. They must think a lot of you to want you back so badly!" Rimmer suddenly liked Mr Brittas again. "Anyway must dash. Swimming Club forms don't alphabetise themselves! Certainly not with Julie as my assistant!" The light and Mr Brittas vanished and Rimmer realised he was asleep. He groggily opened his eyes. Lister, the Cat and Kryten were all hugging him madly on the drive room floor. "We're sorry we did that to you. Don't you EVER smegging leave us again!" Lister shouted in his ear.  
"I hate to admit it buddy, but I'd rather you were here with us than that guy any day."  
"Welcome home, sir!" Kryten wept. Rimmer tried to push them off but it was no use. He was stuck. Rimmer wondered if perhaps, this was the fate he was meant to live after all. Just his luck.

"Honestly Laura, I don't know what you mean."  
"Gordon!" his wife snapped, "If Laura says you were in space, you WERE in space." Mr Brittas grinned inanely. "Now now, darling. Don't get so worked up. It's not good for our babies," he simpered and patted her large stomach. "It was all just a dream."  
"That we both had simultaneously?" Laura's eyebrow was back in its cynical raised position.  
"Anything's possible Laura!"  
Colin tried to interrupt, "But Mr Brittas..." but he was cut short by a falling ventilation shaft landing to his left. They all looked up. There was a small bleating sound echoing around the duct. "Are those sheep back?" Mr Brittas sighed. "Ah well, all in a days work," he grinned and waggled his head. Now this... this was the only dream he needed. He rallied Colin, Gavin and Tim (who was spat out of the glowing ball when Rimmer went in, lucky for Gavin). Mrs Brittas looked over at Laura. She was gazing wistfully out of the office window at the sky. "Something wrong?"  
"It's nice to have Mr Brittas back in a way." She stopped, and smiled softly. "But if only..."  
  
Rimmer gazed wistfully out of the porthole-shaped window by his bunk. "If only..."


End file.
